Navigating relationships can be extremely hard, but also rewarding.
A lot of people will say relationships are worth it, but you’ll rarely hear people say they’re easy! Relationships have many layers, from the emotional to the physical, from your family upbringing to past experiences. They can be a rewarding but treacherous landscape to navigate.
For my wife and me, everything was great at the start of our relationship until we hit a roadblock in our relationship: Vaginismus. This was a big hurdle that we had to overcome together to get where we are now.
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COMMUNICATION BARRIERS:
Now, the first step that helped me and my wife solve this issue is so simple it sounds stupid: Communication. Now you might be saying “duh” but hear me out. This can be a sensitive topic to cover in a relationship, especially if there aren’t deep levels of trust, and with something like this, it’s easy to push people away.
So first make sure your partner feels like they can communicate anything to you, without you getting upset. That will set the foundation then for how you overcome this together.
Second, don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help. So much can be done once you’re willing to speak up and ask for help. You might be surprised at how many people actually struggle through things like this.
Also, don’t get caught up in a “quick fix” mindset. There’s no “magic pill” that will fix a situation like this, but that’s not a bad thing. Working through things like this can actually grow and strengthen a healthy relationship. And this doesn’t mean this can’t be fixed quickly.
Don’t be afraid to try different things, rarely does a blanket approach work for relational issues, and you and your partner are unique. So don’t be afraid to try out different solutions based on how you and your partner process things.
Lastly, trust the process. This is not some disease or any sort of lifelong condition. My wife is thriving today, but we wouldn’t have been able to see that happen in our relationship if we had given up hope. (You can read our more detailed story here: https://advancedvaginismustherapy.com/about/)
To summarize:
- Make sure your relationship is a safe space for intimate communication
- Bring in outside help, a trusted friend, doctor or a therapist who specializes in issues like this
- Don’t get caught up in a quick fix, try to deal with the root issue
- Don’t be afraid to try different methods, there is no “one size fits all” for relationships
- Trust the process, this is not a lifelong condition
WHAT IS VAGINISMUS?
Vaginismus
is a term specifically covers any pain dealing with the vagina and things that have to do with penetration. (Whether that’s your average tampon insertion, a doctor’s exam or during sex.)
(Detailed article here: https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/vaginismus)
Now this may sound like a scary medical term, but this does not mean that you need to go and get a surgery done; or get some sort of prescription. Sex is so much more than just a physical act. It’s also tied to the emotional experiences you’ve had as a human being like a painful relationship, childbirth or even something normal like menopause. These things are both physical and emotional experiences for most people.
So the odds are high that this is more of a mental block than a purely physical issue.
You also might’ve heard the terms “Primary” or “Secondary” when referring to Vaginismus. So just know that the definitions are:
- “Primary” is if you’ve never had sex before but you’re experiencing problems with things like tampon insertion.
- “Secondary” means you may have had some great sexual experiences but are suddenly struggling after something like menopause, or a bad relationship experience.
No matter what you’re feeling, hopefully defining these terms brings some clarity to what you may be experiencing.
IS IT JUST US?
First of all, know that this is not your fault. It’s an instant reaction triggered by something out of your control, (which can then lead to confusion and avoidance). But avoidance doesn’t lead to solutions, as me and my wife found out.
Most doctors often can’t trace back to the exact root of things like Vaginismus. It can stem from emotional things like a bad relationship experience, sexual trauma, menopause, childbirth or mental health issues like anxiety. The contributing factors vary by situation.
Here are a few things that may cause symptoms:
- Fear of pain during sex
- General anxiety
- Fear of performance issues during sex
- Not feeling ready or comfortable with your partner
- Previous poor sex experiences
- Fear of not healing after child labor
- Early exposure to various forms of pornography
I believe that when you experience the same thing that someone else did, you have a greater window into how to help them. Which is why I do what I do. So I can save others from the pitfalls and roadblocks that me and my wife experienced.
WHAT NOW?
This may feel like a lot of information but know that this is just the first step on your journey to what I believe is full recovery.
Me and my wife spent time dealing with this so you wouldn’t have to. I believe every relationship should be free of any pain or fear in intimacy, and I believe every person should be able to share what they’re going through in a comfortable environment.
To make sure you feel safe, we do an online strategy call that you can do from the comfort of your home. It’s free, flexible and private.
You can do it easily over Zoom from the privacy of your house. Click here to start your journey: https://advancedvaginismustherapy.com/bookings/
You don’t need to struggle any longer or sift through the mass of internet solutions.
No more awkward Google searches. Or you trying to find answers in an uncomfortable conversation.
Click the link to talk to someone from the comfort of your own home. https://advancedvaginismustherapy.com/bookings/
Still wondering? Check out our clients stories on their newfound freedom: https://advancedvaginismustherapy.com/stories/