The experience of dealing with a roadblock in your sex life can feel extremely isolating and frustrating.
Sex is often talked about in the purely physical sense. But, the emotions that surround sex can often be far more complicated than our culture is willing to talk about.
For example, if you’re struggling in your sex life is it always just a physical issue that you can easily get over with a prescription or pill? I would argue that sometimes the mental aspect has more to do with it than the physical!
THE MENTAL TOLL:
If there was a stigma around talking about sex growing up, or if you’re a very independent person, it can feel very shameful to reach out and try and talk to someone about issues you may be having in your sex life.
But isolation can magnify and grow things you may already be struggling with. Things like shame, fear, doubt and frustration. A never-ending spiral of emotions like this can take a heavy mental toll.
So the first (and sometimes most scary) thing to do is actually to just reach out. It could be to a trusted friend, a licensed gynecologist or someone like me, who’s walked through this in my own relationship and now specializes in helping people overcome roadblocks in their sex life.
My wife and me hit our own form of a roadblock in our relationship: Vaginismus. I’ll explain exactly what that is further down, but if we hadn’t dealt with the mental and physical barriers in our relationship, we wouldn’t be where we are today. Funnily enough, I had never even heard the term Vaginismus when it came up in our relationship, but because of what happened I’ve now made it a life goal to help people in similar situations deal with roadblocks like this.
I speak from the other side of this issue, but I know the mental toll it can take on a person and the relationship to work through something like this.
All the emotional symptoms of frustration, withdrawal, anxiety and a sense of hopelessness can feel like the norm.
However, since we did make it to the other side, I don’t believe that these emotions need to take a lifelong mental toll. Your sex life in a relationship is supposed to be filled with emotions that boost you mentally: Love, a sense of trust, pleasure and fun. And those are the emotions I want in my life and in my client’s lives.
Our relationship is much better today, but we wouldn’t have been able to see that happen if we had given up hope. (You can read our more detailed story here.
THE PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS:
So how do you know you’re struggling with Vaginismus or some other sexual roadblock (physically or mentally?)
A lot of common searches for a subject like this are “pain during sex” “why is my tampon hurting” or “cramps during sex” and you’ll hear a lot of different terms like “Vulvodynia” “Vaginismus” “Posterior fourchette” or “imperforate hymen”.
That’s why it’s important to reach out to a therapist and/or doctor who can help you understand specifically what it is you’re dealing with. In my wife’s case it was Vaginismus. Vaginismus is when you experience an involuntary muscle spasm when you’re trying to insert something into your vagina. It could be something as simple as a tampon, an exam by the gynecologist or it can happen during sex. (You can find a more detailed description here.)
A few common triggers for it can be:
- Bad first sex experience
- Anxiety (during sex or in general)
- Fear of performance issues during sex
- Not feeling comfortable or ready with your partner
- Painful childbirth experience
- Early exposure to various forms of pornography
- Rape
Because experiencing Vaginismus is intrinsically tied to the emotions you feel around your experiences, it’s been dismissed by some doctors as “all in your head”. By the way, if a doctor or medical professional says that to you, then they have absolutely no idea what vaginismus is or how to treat it, so leave immediately.
But I know how deeply the emotional can impact the physical, and I believe in dealing with the root cause.
Still have questions about these symptoms? That’s ok. Everyone experiences things differently. That’s why I believe in personalizing care to each individual, and why I start off with a free consultation. (https://advancedvaginismustherapy.com/bookings/)
SO IS IT MY FAULT?
We already defined that these muscle spasms are “involuntary” which means that you’re not purposefully controlling them. This is not your fault.
Don’t let this struggle drag you down to the point where you feel like you can’t do anything. Avoidance may feel like the only thing you can do, but as me and my wife found it, it doesn’t solve anything in the long run.
Professor Hilda Hutcherson via Allure says, ‘People with vaginismus may start feeling that they’re not good enough, that they’re defective, that they can’t bring pleasure to themselves — but more commonly — that they can’t bring pleasure to their partners.’
However, the very thing you think may cause separation (physically or emotionally) in your relationship may actually be the thing that draws you together. Involving your partner in the healing process may bring a level of intimacy into your relationship that you didn’t have before.
WHAT CAN I DO NOW?
So, now you know the basics of what you’re dealing with and why you may be dealing with it. Are you willing to do something about it?
My goal now is to help people like you achieve the freedom me and my wife have. I believe every relationship should be free of any mental or physical pain in intimacy, and I believe every person should be able to share what they’re going through in a comfortable environment.
To make sure you feel safe, we do an online strategy call that you can do from the comfort of your home. It’s free, flexible and private: https://advancedvaginismustherapy.com/bookings/
Still wondering? Check out our clients stories on their newfound freedom: https://advancedvaginismustherapy.com/stories/
You don’t need to struggle any longer or sift through the mass of internet solutions. Click the link to talk to someone from the comfort of your own home. https://advancedvaginismustherapy.com/bookings/